“I didn’t come here to lose/I came here to win.”
“I didn’t come here to make friends.”
“I need to bring it/Step up my A-game.”
“This is a competition.”
“I’m here for my mom/dad/kids/cat/acupuncturist.”
Exploiting Explaining some sob story a tragic background, i.e. “I lost both my legs in an accident/lived in my car for ten years/missed out on pre-sale Justin Bieber tickets.”
Stop it. Stop it right now.
Let’s say someone comments on a blog whose topic features a well-known name, for example – maybe a celebrity’s, political candidate’s or the one of prominent societal figure. And even though said name is clearly mentioned in said article SEVERAL times, for some reason, possibly a severe brain hemorrhage in between finishing the article and filling out the “comment here” field, that someone manages to horribly misspell that name. Or, in this case, put down an entirely different name.
And it’s not just in this one example I’m about to show you. I could tell you about many that I’ve seen in my years as an internet junkie, but I don’t wanna bore you with my troubles. (How did I manage to get through 180+ posts without quoting Stevie Wonder?!) I came across this incidence in particular whilst reading The Frisky, a pop culture blog that you may or may not have heard of. Well it’s certainly more popular than my blog, but there’s probably blogs about cats coughing up cat hair and paint drying that’s more popular than mine. The post featured an episode of Anderson Cooper’s eponymous talk show, where a woman is married to herself, or something. As you can see, Cooper’s name is mentioned at least once in the article. Aside from that, Anderson Cooper is a prominent, world-renowned journalist, so you’d kinda have to be living under a rock not to know who he is. So, then why this?
I’m even being nice here, neglecting to mention the lack of punctuation, the Selective Capitals and the use of “Humanitarian Reporter”, because I don’t even know what that is. Oh wait. I did mention the other stuff. Anyway – who the hell is Carson? Did they mix him up with Johnny Carson, who is more than 40 years older and, um, dead? Or Carson Daly?!
Nah. Better luck next time…”OK”. Nice screen name, by the by.
Actually, I AM going to get bogged down semantics. I just posted a deceptive title because I will take any opportunity that I can to quote one of the greatest philosophers of our time: Homer J. Simpson.
Said semantics involve a commercial for a **coughambulancechasercough** lawyer who does runs during classy daytime fare such as The People’s Court and The Maury Show. Don’t ask me how I know this…because if you do, you’re stupid. Obviously I have no standards when it comes to watching TV.
Usually, such a commercial wouldn’t stand out because there are SO MANY of them (yet they’re still less annoying than that stupid Everest commercial with that stupid hoodrat in his stupid sideways baseball cap browbeating and insulting the intelligence of his viewers to get us to go to his stupid school PUT TOGETHER), but this one in particular really caught my notice.
Um, ‘scuse me, Mr. Brown, but a lot of us work too hard to be ballin’ on a budget. We would love to not be ballin’ on a budget. We just don’t make the money that you do. Just because you make tons more money than the average individual, doesn’t mean that they don’t work just as hard – if not harder – than you do. The amount of money you make doesn’t always correlate with how hard you work.
So maybe you should be singing “I make too much cash to be ballin’ on a budget” instead, because the phrase you’re currently using is a huge insult to the people who do not happen to work in the entertainment industry and do not get to enjoy the same lifestyle as you do. While you believe that it’s your right – and that it’s a priority – to have bottle service at a club, the rest of us are just lucky to clear our bills every month and, oh yeah, have a meal or two per day.
But you take a load off hun, because our hearts bleed for how hard you work; we empathize, ’cause the rest of us have it sooo easy.
A few weekends ago, I went cottaging with some friends of mine. I had a really good time, and despite not being much of an outdoors person, I even canoed for the first time, which was a total blast! But the thing I’m most proud of is the fact that I did NOT get drunk ONCE that weekend…except if I had, it would’ve at least been an good excuse for why I tripped over the fireplace hearth and fell down flat-faced on the floor.
Anyway, we played Taboo one night. It was my turn to wield the buzzer and supervise the opponent from the other team whose turn it was to read from the cards. He came across the word hostel, but started using descriptors as though it were instead the word hostile. It was easy enough a mistake to make, considering that some people pronounce the words similarily; however, the very different words to describe hostel were right there on the card, which would actually make it difficult to mix things up.
Regardless, the other players on the opposing team gave the “correct”answer, at which point I pressed the buzzer, deeming it incorrect, seeing it as a technicality. But the others didn’t see it that way, and I didn’t want to be one of those douchebags who make a big deal out of minor, trivial things, so I let it go, the game went on, and everyone had fun.
Still, it goes to show you all of the twists and turns the English language can sometimes take.
Dear Entertainment Tonight,
This is the meaning of controversy:
Therefore, the fact that Kim Kardashian’s new husband, Kris Humphries, is absent from the cover of the below:
…does not qualify as one. I know your show contains no sense of authentic journalism, but you could at least have a basic command of the English language. And when Wikipedia is more accurate than you are? Dude.
ETA: Now this qualifies as a controversy. And I hope that he wins and blows everyone the fuck away.