55 Word Short Stories: Don’t Cross Me.

Violet opens James’ door. “Time for church!”

“But mom! I wanna sleep in!”

“You promised you’d come to church on Good Friday!”

“I changed my mind.”

“You won’t get out of bed for a man who bled slowly to death so you won’t die for thinking dirty thoughts about Beyoncé?”

“Give me five minutes.”


55 Word Short Stories (Twice The Fun!): Plus Que Parfait

Yeah, I kinda cheated here. I couldn’t fit this story into 55 words so I did it in 110 – exactly double the amount.

Barney was ten when he met Oliver’s mother. “She’s hot.”

“Shut up.”

Then, at fifteen: “Your dad left your mom? But she’s so hot.”

“Shut up!”

And by her 45th birthday party. “I can’t believe your mom is turning 45. She’s  so -“

Oliver sighed. “I know. Hot. Jesus! Why don’t you just marry her!”

Two years later, Oliver’s mother called. “I have big news! Can you come over?”

Oliver was surprised to see Barney sitting next to his mother in her living room. “What’s going on?”

Oliver’s mother smiled. “We’re getting married!” She showed him the ring.

Oliver glared at Barney, who shrugged. “Well, you’re the one who said I could!”

The Bitches, Part 9

Read all 9 parts here!

“So?” Cherish was sitting up straight with her back against the headboard, fully under the covers now, her arms crossed. The Man She Used To Know sat at the very end and very edge of the bed, not looking at her. Like this, it seemed impossible to believe that they’d ever performed any intimacy whatsoever there.

Read the rest of this entry »

Stop It. You’re Killing Me.

why did lauren conrad come up with the title la candy?

Oh, honey, you’re so naïve. Her publishers did. And you’re so stupid. It should be “how”, not “why”.

I admire the beneficial details you offer inside your posts. I will bookmark your blog and check back here frequently. I’m pretty positive I will learn a whole lot of new things proper here! Regards: SB2011LAIN_AING

Yeah. This couldn’t possibly be a spambot due to the oh-so-human name. But at least it’s another British spambot: “New things proper!” Indeed.

But beneficial details? From a post that includes this:

Cherish was sorry he hadn’t smacked his head or probably erect penis into the coffee table.

Actually, Cherish didn’t care if The Woman Who Looks Like Her Sisters was lying dead in a ditch. In fact, she hoped she was.

That night, Cherish woke up prematurely, thanks to a nightmare about burning flesh and screaming.

Once again, Cherish resisted the urge to toss her beverage in the other woman’s face.

She found them banging three days later on the…couch.

Ok then.

It Just Keeps Getting Better.

The latest in weird search terms to find my blog: “alcohol birthday”.

I have NO clue how this is even closely related to Prose Nylund. (And of course, makes me curious of what the searcher was looking for in the first place, what prompted them to use these two words together.)

Though it does remind me of my 25th birthday, where I drank so much (including my first shot of tequila, natch) that I got cut off in the dining area of the restaurant where I was celebrating, so I went to the bar and proceeded to order a pitcher of beer (no, I didn’t drink it all myself). Then, after being driven home by some friends of mine, I fell out of the backseat of the car – whereupon it was discovered I’d been sitting on my takeout carton – and onto the driveway.

So I had to be escorted to my front door by two of my friends – each one holding me up by either arm – both of whom I hugged so hard I popped one of the balloons I was holding while doing so and proceeded to tell my entire street, “THANKS FOR TAKING ME HOOOOOOME!!” The night ended with me passing out in bed, and the next morning began with me puking my brains out.

Now that was an alcohol birthday.

(Part 9 of The Bitches is coming, I swear! By the moon and the stars and the sky!)

I’m Jealous.

This is how I wish I could write, but can’t!

Waah! I’m so untalented!

Just kidding – I’mma win the Pulitzer Prize.

Just kidding – I can’t because you have to be American to win the Pulitzer.

Just kidding – I’m gonna become an American citizen.

Just kidding – I’m gonna become a dual citizen.

Just kidding- I’mma live in Canada ’til I die.

Just kidding- I’m immortal and I can’t die.

Just kidding – I’ll probably live in Brampton ’til I die.

WAAH! I’mma live in Brampton ’til I die!!!!

(Welcome Sleep.Snort.Fuck. to my page)

“penis advantage scam”

Remember when I thought I’d gotten the best spam comment ever?

I was wrong. I just happened to venture over to my other (poor, neglected) blog and got one that’s even better. Techincally, it’s not even a comment, but a link to something involving a “penis advantage scam” – as, of course, the title of this post indicates.

Obviously, I did not click the link, but I’m still curious to know what on Earth could be a penis advantage scam?!

And I thought that seeing “don’t judge me” as one of the newest Google terms that lead a viewer to my site today was funny.