Johnny Cage and The Assless Chaps, featuring Colette

Last year  I started the segment “It’s A Jolly Holiday“, wherein I intended to write a short story for every holiday. At first I fulfilled that promise – albeit, not always on the exact date of the holiday – but then fell off in a big way. But judging from my track record, is this really a surprise?

(More on that later.)

Regardless, I’m gonna try again. Hope I can stick to it this time! To kick things off – slightly late, of course – is my story for New Year’s. It’s a little unusual though, ’cause the story has nothing to do with New Year’s, except for the fact that it was written on New Year’s Day by three really bored people who were too lazy to venture outside.

Yes, that’s right: it was a collaborative effort: the “you write one line, then I write the next line, etc.”  Try to guess which ones I wrote.

Disclaimer: if you can’t tell by the title of this post, this story went downhill fast, mostly thanks to the mention of assess chaps, natch. Simply put: this story is a hot mess, and I should be too embarrassed to post this, but whatevs; I’m still bored.

Sad that this is considered as excitement in my life.

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Okay, That’s Just About Enough, Buddy.

how to fuck well (again)

how to fuck

fuck well

prose fuck

“sex change” fiction

Jennifer Weiner erection (??)

I’m convinced this is the same person. At first I thought it was funny, but enough is enough!

Pretty sure porn would help ’em with at least three of the six search terms, though.

“how to fuck well.”

I’m sorry, dear Google user, but you’re not going to find anything of that nature here. But I wholly appreciate your regard for good grammar, so I wish you luck in finding assistance with your lovemaking skillz.

Courtney Stodden: Poet.

If you haven’t heard of Courtney Stodden, she’s well, ew, ew, ew.

Anyway, thanks to The Soup, I have discovered her marvelous, marvelous tweets. Truly, they are a thing of beauty. I enjoy them so much* that I’m going to share some of them with you.

*But not enough to actually follow her account.

She’s like Keats and Jewel rolled into one. And now for some visual poetry:


This Ain’t Funny No Mo’.

This is the second time someone has found my blog while searching for porn. The hell is going on, man? There ain’t nothin’ even close to porn on here! But this time, the keywords make “Sienna West getting fucked in the woods” sound like a Raffi song. This time, someone was looking for…they wanted…aw hell, I’ll just come out and type it:

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Oh, For F**k’s Sake.

The Saga of the Rotating Nipple

Back when I was seventeen, I was a pretty shitty writer, even though I’d been writing since I was eight. But I hadn’t found my “voice” yet (and only have just recently) , and made poor reading choices (see previous post).

You know how they say you are what you eat? Well, you also write what you read. I read crap, so I wrote crap. Which is probably why I never really finished the novel I’d been trying to write since I was fifteen. My attempts at such a goal were plentiful but laughable, and lasted only one or two chapters.

But none were more laughable than the one I was writing my last year of high school. Unfortunately, I burned the thing ( and I reallllly wish I hadn’t so I could post it here), but I do remember that it was about a girl who was sleeping with her sister’s fiancé. (Totally original, right?) I don’t think it was more than two chapters, but the first one was pretty significant, because it involved the main character lying post-coitus in the arms of her forbidden flame. Which is funny since this was written by someone who despises romance novels. So she’s lying there describing how she feels being in his arms, the way his bedroom looks and other various innocuous bullshit. The prose was very trite and very purple, making for an unremarkable scene.

If it weren’t for the rotating nipple.

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