Down With OPB: Why “Nervous” Makes Me Nervous, Part 1: The Sex *Updated with more sex!*

Normally I don’t post reviews of the books from my seasonal reading lists (a.k.a. getting through the library books I’ve had for TWO YEARS) on my main blog, but a separate page. But sometimes, if one of these books affect me in a major way – be it negatively or positively – I will, on occasion, post it on my main blog.

Nervous, by Zane, is one of these books.

Keep in mind that my reading tastes are eclectic – and that they always weren’t. When I started high school, I was an avid reader of Danielle Steel and the like, but, by the time I graduated, I was into more serious fare, such as Toni Morrison and Margaret Atwood and thusly turned up my nose at Danielle Steel and the like.

(I really do a lot of Danielle Steel bashing on this site, don’t I? I’m sure she’s drying her tears with her millions of dollars. Regardless: you’re next, Fifty Shades lady!)

Anyway, I went through a period where I would only read “literary” novels. Then I got over it. Now I’ll read anything that’ll tickle my fancy. While I haven’t completely abandoned serious literature, I won’t turn down a good trashy read, though my preference, is something that is, sometimes, a fine line in between: mainstream fiction, which can be surprisingly well written. And, furthermore…

All right, all right, I’ll be straight with you – the reason for this long-winded premise is to justify the fact that I just read porn. (So be warned – there’s explicit content from here on in.)

Wait. I shouldn’t have wasted all of that energy, after all, given that I’ve already read…you know.  Don’t make me mention it again. And by the way, the term is erotica or erotic fiction, not PORN. There’s a difference.

Now I’ll finally get to the point. I’ve been hearing about this Zane individual for years, that, basically, the sun shines out of her every orifice. I’d read one of her short stories in the past, and wasn’t impressed; that should have tipped me off. What also should have tipped me off is the fact when it comes to the rampant popularity of most novels, you’ll find that the people who made said books popular wouldn’t know good writing if it tattooed itself on their heads and faced them in the bathroom mirror every morning. Hey, I read trash myself, but at least I’m not delusional enough to believe that I’m in it for the writing! (Though some well-written trash does exist, but that’s neither here nor there.)

Yet many refer to Zane as a “talented writer”. I know such a statement is a matter of opinion, but, really? Don’t make me spit out my soup. If that were the case, then Nervous wouldn’t be plagued with the following problems:

At first, I was going to make this a single blog post, but it’s gone on so long that I’ve decided to break it up into parts. Basically – as the crossed out paragraph above indicates – I’m out to refute Zane’s faithful readers claims of her being a “talented writer”. But before I do that, I’ll just let you in on the plot.

Jonquinette Pierce is a shy, virignal, buttoned down accountant with no sex or social life whatsoever. Jude is her very promiscuous, foul-mouthed, dual personality who quells her frustration with Jonquinette’s prissiness by hooking up with random guys. While Jonquinette has no memory of what Jude gets up to, she knows something isn’t kosher, so she enlists the help of psychiatrist Dr. Marcella Spencer. She only becomes aware of Jude’s existence when her darker side reveals itself during one of her therapy sessions, and spends the rest of the novel trying to find out why Jude exists, so she can get her life back.

Got it? Good. Now…

The Sex

While it’s fun to read about Jude’s sexual escapades, and, perhaps, live vicariously through them; and, while you can’t expect sex scenes in porn erotic fiction to be realistic, there’s some things about these scenes in this book in particular that bother me. And I’m not alone…because..and please don’t laugh at me…a lot of this argument is going to be supported by Amazon reviews. (Most of them are actually favourable, but it only proves my point because you should see some of the quality of the writing of these reviews.)

Mind you, it’s not the sexual content that bothers me at all. There are even some reviewers who clutch their pearls at the “raunchy sex” in this novel. “Oh, whyyy does it have to be so explicit?” lamented one of them in particular. Uh, I don’t think these people realize that they’d just read porn erotica. OF COURSE there’s going to be raunchy sex! If you don’t want to read that kind of thing, then, here’s a tip: don’t read porn erotic fiction. You don’t see me reading The Origin of Species and complaining that there’s too much science in it, do you? Anyway, I just wanted to get it out of the way that I didn’t have a problem with the sex scenes per se, and in all honesty, they are not the raunchiest I’ve read.

The problem is – as another Amazon reviewer pointed out, though this was a much wiser observation – when Jude takes over and she’s looking for someone to bang. She literally picks random guys off of the street and they never refuse her. It’s like Zane is trying to say that all men can basically be worn down to fuck a random chick if she’s hot enough, regardless of his pre-existing values or if he’s married. Not sexist at all.  Here’s a breakdown of her conquests.

(It’s important to note that she thrives on anonymity; she manages to get the names of her conquests but refuses to share hers, and insists on hauling ass as soon as orgasm is achieved.)

The Guy In The Library

This is Jude’s very first conquest, which she accomplishes during her freshman year in college. She sees him in the library, runs after him when he leaves and takes him to the basement. At the time, she’s a virgin, so her lack of her sexual awkwardness or discomfort during the sex that they end up having on a desk is a little unbelievable (sorry, a lot) and the fact that she loved every moment of it? Um, okay. I was willing to suspend my belief here because this isn’t the first time (no pun intended) where I’ve read a novel where the loss of a woman’s virginity includes multiple orgasms, so I just brushed this off. But then. After Jude pulls a hit-it-and-quit-it with library guy, she develops an insatiable appetite to do the same with:

…the man she saw in the grocery store line. She patiently waited for him in the parking lot and then fucked him right there in the backseat of his car. There was the gas station attendant she took into one of the garage bays and fucked while she was waiting for another guy outside to change her tire. There were the two guys she saw playing basketball one day at the local park who she enticed into the woods and there, on a secluded picnic table, fucked them both. And, of course, there were all the men she had picked up at hotel bars, nightclubs and virtually everyplace else the past five years, the total number of which she had lost count of long ago.

And NONE of these guys said no to her? Okay.

The Guy At The Club

One of Jonquinette’s co-workers ask her to come to a rap concert being held at a club. While Jonquinette refuses, Jude vetoes her decision and decides to go anyway. She finds what she’s looking for in the line to get into the club, where she “spotted his blue-black ass”. She totally appropriately grabs his butt without so much as introducing herself, and he immediately suggests they run off and fuck, which they do so in an alley. Then, when he has the nerve to get angry at her for doing ye old pump-and-dump, she threatens him…by saying this. Literally.

I wish I was kidding.

The Guy In The Meat Locker

Really? Are we expected to believe that a grocery store employee will jeopardize his job so he can have his way with a random hot customer – most unsanitary – in his place of work? Where anyone can walk in at any minute? Ok, then.

And still: NONE of these men say no to her. Even SAMANTHA JONES doesn’t have that kind of luck!

I mean, eventually she gets a yes, but it goes to show: not everyone is down, just because you are.

The Waiter

After a disastrous lunch with her mother – in which Jude’s personality is engaged and she calls out her single mom for being a whore – she spots a waiter who tickles her fancy. Even though he tells Jude that he’s “kind of seeing someone right now and I’m a brotha who tries to do the right thing”, and pushes off her subsequent advances, they end up having sex on his motorcycle (okay) because “No one refused to give me dick! No one!” Apparently, no one truly does. Of course, the irony here is this happens right after she calls her mother a whore. Right.

The Mattress Store Employee

Jude ventures into a mattress store because she wanted to “fuck with whomever was working that day. Why not? There was nothing to do at home. I was going to pretend like I had planned to purchase the most expensive mattress set in the store, make the person fill out a bunch if fake paperwork, and then roll out.” Okay, aside from sex, Jude needs a hobby, because that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever read. And I mean REALLY need a hobby, because when no employee comes out to greet her, she yells out for them and adds “Hey! You taking a dump or something?” I guess she’s really committed to pulling this prank.

Eventually this “sexy-ass motherfucker” comes out and despite his claims of being “married and extremely faithful”, Jude giggles, pulling out the “all men are dogs” defence, and after a lot of prodding – which includes pulling off her top, putting her fingers into her panties, taking them out and licking them – she eventually gets what she wants, but not before feeling “like a man trying to persuade a virgin to do it for the first time.” Who is this woman, Helen of Troy? How on earth did she get yet another man – who is not only married but says to her “there is something seriously wrong with you” to have sex on STORE MERCHANDISE?

If there’s something seriously wrong with anyone, it’s these men who keep taking up on the sexual offers of an obnoxious skank!

Her Co-Worker’s Boyfriend

Jonquinette gets invited to a wedding that her co-worker’s boyfriend Logan, is in. Unfortunately, a uninvited guest crashes the wedding: Jude, who, during the reception, lures Logan into an unused reception room and, even though he protests that he doesn’t “know [her] like that” and that he’s “dating Darnetta”, Jude counters his protests with the sage observation that “‘…you’re a man. All men love pussy. At least real men do.'” So, in addition to generalizing, Jude neglects to figure in gay men. And when she presses on to ask him “‘You love pussy, Logan?'” and he answers, “Yes, but -” she cuts him off by yelling “‘Then shut the hell up!'” It’s up to this point that I notice she keeps telling the men she’s seducing to shut the hell up, so I don’t know why these guys keep giving in to her. Most of them are in relationships or married, so are they really that desperate for sex?

The Guys At The Strip Club

Jude inexplicably waltzes into a strip club and starts performing. Yeah. I don’t know what’s that all about either. (More on this in a future post). Anyway, once she’s done, a pair of men – one short, one tall – approach her in the parking lot to settle an awesome, non-stupid bet.

‘Duke and I have always had this competitive spirit. He and I both claim we’re the best pussy connoisseur on the planet, but this bullshit talk is getting old.’

I raised an eyebrow. ‘And?’

‘And how about you let us settle the dispute once and for all?’

Of course, Jude agrees. On one condition: “‘A hundred bucks each.'” Great! From stripper to prostitute in like, less than two hours. So they take her to a hotel and take turns eating her out, the end.

P.S. The taller dude won.

The Redneck

Jonquinette goes to North Carolina to visit her estranged father, but its Jude who comes out to play at night to prowl the club circuit. Except there isn’t much of one where she’s staying, so she ends up in a dive bar full of rednecks ready to lynch her. But no matter; she’s so desperate for sex that she hangs around long enough to find what she wants, in the form of a  karaoke contest competitor. So, after oh-so-politely (read: not) refusing the advances of a pair of men she refers to as “Fat Fuck” and “Pencil Dick”, she gets busy on top of the car with the karaoke competitor (who lost to someone she calls a “singing whore”, guess it takes one to know one) of course, because, once again, no one can resist her.

The Guy At The Foam Party

Basically, she goes to a club and finds out about a nude foam party from some guys, so she trails them in her car to an abandoned warehouse. One of the men she’d followed asks her to get naked with him, so she jams her tongue down his throat as a sign of consent and proceeds to fuck him up against a Plexiglass cage inside which a bunch of people are dancing.

Her Neighbour’s Boyfriend

Jude’s sitting on her balcony, maxin’ out and chillin’, when she spots her neighbour’s man leaving the building, a neighbour she hates because she is “One of those women who thought her shit didn’t stink and that her pussy was worth millions.” Not at all like Jude. Except, exactly like Jude.

Anyway, instead of beating you over the head how laughably unbelievable this scene is, I’ll just let it speak for itself.

‘Hey, you!’ I called out to him as I stood up on the balcony so he could see me.

He looked up just as he was hitting the keyless entry button on his key chain to unlock a black Mercedes SLK 320. ‘Yes?’ he asked.

I didn’t say anything. I just ripped off [my] pajama top, followed by [my] bra. Then I stepped out of the pants and underwear. I stood there naked, just staring at him seductively. Then I closed my eyes and started swaying to imaginary music and palming my breasts.

I heard the beep again as he locked the car, followed by his footsteps coming back up the walkway toward the building. The shit was just that easy.

Easy. Unlike Jude. Except, exactly like Jude.

The Pizza Delivery Guy

Really? The pizza delivery guy? Totally original; never been used in porn erotic fiction before. Long story short, even though he has to get back to the shop and “‘should really get going'” Jude convinces him to tell his boss he had car trouble and before you know Jude is “squeez[ing] whipped cream on the head of his dick” with which he could “split bricks.” Ok. I must be really sheltered, because I really don’t believe that there’s anyone out there who can have sex with anyone and everyone they want. Does this actually happen in real life?

The Man She Met Online

(This subtitle is a take on this TV movie with the ridiculous title The Boy She Met OnlineNo, I didn’t watch it!)

Basically, she meets a guy on a dating website and agrees to meet him at a hotel. When they do, she yells at him to pay for their room. Once inside, she ties him to the bed, slaps a S&M leather mask on him, flogs his naked body with a whip, and deserts him – all because he smells and is older and uglier than his dating profile picture indicated. Shocking.

What’s also shocking – except, this time, in a much less sarcastic way – is that no mention of protection is made whatsoever during any of these encounters, yet Jonquinette gets only one STD and never gets pregnant. Well, at least during this encounter she doesn’t seal the deal, so that’s one less antibiotic she’ll have to take.

The Confused Gay Guy

I..don’t even know what to say this one.

It was too damn easy to just pick up a man. No man was likely to turn down pussy if the woman looked halfway attractive. I wanted a challenge, so I went to this gay club…

Listen, ig’nant bitch. If a man is gay, he’s gay. He’s not to be seen as a challenge or to be broken down, or someone who just needs “the right woman.” He is attracted to men and only men. If you’re that horny, why don’t you try fucking yourself?

But Jude is not happy with GAY MEN not taking her bait…so she jumps up on a bar and starts stripping. Sure, okay. Thank God her ass gets handed to her by most of the patrons. I know. How dare the men who are biologically not attracted to women not want to see such a spectacle.

Then she runs into a man who is married but curious – having experimented in college, how original -who is interested in her. What follows is…what follows is….just read it.

I asked him did he take it up the ass or give it. He said give it and that was cool with me because I had no intention of fucking a man who would take one up the ass. I made sure he had a condom, invited him to step back into a bathroom stall, and then I let him experiment with a freak and give it to me up the ass.

1. Jude is snotty about whether or not this guy gives it up the ass. If she were a real person I’d tell her to scroll up this list and tell her to shove it up HER hypocritical ass. So what if he takes it up the ass? YOU’RE A WHORE.

2. She makes sure he has a condom because he’s had sex with men. REALLY? I thought condoms weren’t your thing? Wait – only if he’s experimented, because men who’ve slept with men are swimming with disease, not women who have had UNPROTECTED SEX WITH TONS OF TOTAL STRANGERS.

3. She wouldn’t have let him fuck her if he took it up the ass from other men. Then proceeds to take it up the ass from him.

Excuse me one moment.


(Stay tuned for Part 2: The Romance.)

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